By Kevin Meng
Eddy Curry, the former up and coming basketball player out of Thornwood High has officially announced his retirement from professional basketball. Curry, listed at 7 foot tall, was once touted as one of the best up and coming big men in the league before gaining weight and floundering under a lucrative deal with the New York Knicks. Curry was drafted by the Bulls, and then played for the Knicks.
Curry also was diagnosed with cardiac problems that further lead him to gain weight. After his contract with the Knicks was up, Curry played as a backup for the Miami Heat , where he was booed incessantly and made fun of. After being cut in embarrassing fashion, he was picked up off the garbage heap by the Dallas Mavericks who used him first as a backup center, then as a towel boy, then finally as a shower cleaner.
Curry went a played part of a season in China before officially hanging it up just a few days ago to focus on his real passion: Competitive eating.
“Hell, I think can eat me at least 20 suttin hot dawgs in a sittin” said Curry when we caught up with him at the Nathans hot dog eating contest on Coney Island. ” I’ve always been much bettah at eatin than I was at playin basketball. Fried chicken, collard greens, hot dogs, pizza, man I think I like it all”. Curry always knew that he would be much better at stuffing food down his throat than he was at stuffing the ball through the net. “Man, when I heard that I could get paid just for doing the same thang that I sit around and do all day anyway I was real happy. I aint got no money no mo’ so I figured what I got to lose”?
We ran into world famous eater Takeru Kobayashi who said ” Eddy Curry? I thought that was Bernie Mac”. We sadly informed Mr. Kobayashi that Mr. Bernie Mac had sadly passed away some years ago. After he heard this , Mr. Kobayashi nodded his head solemnly, knelt down with folded hands and began to pray. We left silently.
– Kevin Meng is the owner of Association News. He is a long time NBA fan, and resident of the former eastern bloc. He is a fast rising member of the Czech socialist workers party, and an avid basketball writer. Any and all fan mail for him can be sent to PravdaSpeechFilter@freedomofspeech.com where it will be properly filtered by the “free” government.